A foundational aspect of my approach to selling, which I learned from my sales coach, Tom Batchelder, is to create space for the truth. Life is too short and our time is too precious to beat around the bush with prospective clients, candidates, or investors. If someone isn’t going to actually commit to buying whatever you’re selling, the sooner you can know that and move on, the better.
Tom has simple frameworks in his book for helping salespeople get the truth from prospects and sales leaders get the truth from their team. Yet, Tom will be the first to tell you that when it comes to creating space for truth, how you are perceived is much more important than what you say.
Tone, body language, and overall emotional energy are how we create a space for truth.
Sharing truthfully requires a degree of vulnerability, and it can feel awkward. Making someone comfortable enough to divulge their truth - whether about their company’s buying process or their personal situation - is about making a genuine connection and fostering the right atmosphere for sharing candidly.
This is the most nuanced of soft skills - whether or not people feel comfortable sharing the truth with you is a function of your whole demeanor. Improving other soft skills can be some of the most challenging work for founders and sales leaders. Becoming a more confident public speaker, for example, often requires confronting deep seated insecurities.
How then do you figure out how to just be in a way that invites others to open up to you?
The notion of creating space for truth points towards the answer - the less that we fill a space with our own needs (i.e. the need to sell this person something), the more room there is for them to be honest and transparent with us. Actually doing this is incredibly nuanced, as it requires us to both (a) create a space with the right context and connection while also (b) making room within that space for the other person to be their authentic self.
Creating space for truth means finding a delicate balance between doing (namely framing a conversation and asking the right questions) with being. It requires that we both radiate authentic self-expression and a genuine desire to connect while also exercising self-restraint.
So how does this all actually work in practice? Can we break it down into steps such that someone can be taught to create space for truth, either with prospective buyers or with their teams (or friends or family)? What’s the best way to learn how to show up for people in a way that makes interactions more meaningful and personal?
The hard truth of the longer, shorter way is that there are no shortcuts, and this is especially true of learning how to conduct oneself in a way that makes other people want to open up to you. Spoiler alert: there are no tactics or tricks or tips to get people to feel comfortable around you - it demands courage and authenticity that can’t be faked.
The journey to creating space for others starts with us learning to create more space for ourselves, and the tools of this practice are mindfulness, meditation, and contemplation. I’ll explore in depth here how I think through this process, and how I ultimately arrived at some practical implications and suggestions for working on yourself while you work on your business.
If you want to jump right to those practical takeaways - click here to skip to the end.
Otherwise, take a few deep breaths, center yourself, maybe make some coffee (or herbal tea might be more appropriate for this one), and let’s dive in together.
Your outward presence is a passive expression of your inner reality
Let’s begin with a thought exercise.
First, think about someone in your life that makes you feel comfortable sharing the truth with them. What is it about this person and your relationship that evokes that feeling in you? Bonus points if you pause here and write the reasons down.
While there are a range of possible reasons why someone might make you feel comfortable, I assume you touched on a few common themes. They probably make you feel like they aren’t judging you. They likely demonstrate genuine interest in what you have to say. Odds are, they also show empathy and a real desire to help.
Now picture someone you know with whom you are not comfortable sharing the truth. What do they say and how do they act that makes you keep your walls up with them?
Again, I’m not sure what specific reasons you have for not trusting this person, but I’d wager that they likely make you feel like they are passing judgment on you, like they don’t have time or patience for dealing with you, or that maybe they want something from you. No big surprises so far.
Finally, I want you to imagine the person who you are not comfortable around acting identically and saying the exact same words that you’d expect to hear from the person with whom you can share truthfully. Would you then be willing to let your guard down?
Weird, right? Even if the person you are not comfortable sharing with were to copy the exact body language, emulate the same tone, and say word for word the same things as the person who does make you want to share, it just doesn’t feel the same.
You may think that your shared history with each of these people is the distinguishing factor; that the reason you still aren’t comfortable is because you can’t look past who you know that person to really be. I’d argue that it isn’t the history that matters but the present perception. You can dress a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but you can’t fool the other sheep into feeling safe.
We all make snap judgments about people as soon as we meet them, and whether we feel comfortable is usually a gut reaction to who we think we’re dealing with at that moment. Everyone has a presence or energy that passively emanates from them, reflecting who they are. While we can practice saying certain phrases or asking particular questions to act more like someone is open, empathetic, and truthful, if the motivation for those actions is to accomplish something or manipulate someone, it just won’t be perceived as authentic.
[A quick side note on bias: our biases have a major impact on our initial perceptions of people. I’m advocating here for self-awareness and self-improvement as the means towards better relationships, and part of that work includes recognizing these biases. We need to attune ourselves to the presence of the actual individual in front of us, becoming sensitive to the real energy of that person rather than projecting onto them what we think because of our biases.]
When we direct our efforts toward working on ourselves and make self-transformation our primary objective, this has a passive effect on how other people perceive us. Creating space for truth is not about telling someone that you’re trustworthy or even showing them in a way of demonstrating it - it is about being a person who does the work of learning to be true to themselves.
This then of course leads to the question of how one is to develop greater self awareness.
Before exploring this, I want to briefly acknowledge that there are alternative coaching styles that advocate for playing the part of someone you want to become (i.e. fake it until you make it). While I agree that directly focusing on actions can indirectly impact our thoughts and feelings, generally I’d put this approach in the category of a “shorter, longer way.” The most reliable channel for affecting lasting change in a person begins with the mind and ends with action.
Creating space for others starts with creating more space for yourself
If your eyes are rolling at that headline, you may be thinking: aren’t we talking about sales and how to get prospective buyers or partners to be more forthcoming? We are, with the assumption that the result of any actions we take towards that end are critically dependent on the mindset behind them. (Again, if you do want to just skip to the practical takeaways, feel free to jump ahead.)
The idea that self-knowledge is the gateway to more harmonious relationships with others is a universal principle across philosophical and religious belief systems. It is not my intention to advocate for any particular path to increased self understanding, nor to prescribe any specific practices or exercises to achieve it. Rather, I’m emphasizing the importance of doing this work in whatever way is best for you.
However you arrive there, knowing oneself requires acknowledging all of you, good and bad. Knowing ourselves means acknowledging and accepting who we are in full while also recognizing that we have ultimate control over which parts of us find expression in our thoughts, words, and actions.
As Sirius Black tells Harry Potter as he’s struggling to figure out who he is: “We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.”
When we create space within us without judging or labeling, we realize more clearly that we are not defined by any of the individual parts of ourselves. We can identify ourselves as the whole that is more than the sum of those parts, building a sense of self and identity that exists above and removed from our contradictory impulses.
This doesn’t happen overnight. It also sometimes means facing some painful truths about why we are the way we are.
Many high-performing, brilliant people that I know struggle to accept the parts of themselves that don’t live up to their expectations. They often develop habitual thought patterns of focusing on their flaws, even berating themself for so-called failures. The discipline and sacrifice that they may view as essential to their success can hinder their full potential by being a source of constant stress and anxiety.
I also often see that founders in particular tend to lose their sense of self along the way of starting a company. This makes total sense given what is required of them in the startup ecosystem; they have to put on an air of confidence - authentic or not - to get others to believe in (and invest in) them. To succeed in this world and fundraise successfully often requires that otherwise humble founders acquire haughty bravado and a propensity to make bold claims.
Once they do raise the money and build the company they were striving for, should they keep up these walls and retain this persona that got them to this point? The founders I know that achieve the most stable and long-lasting personal and professional success take the time to recenter and reconnect to themselves after these grueling periods. They learn to continuously assess which parts of themselves are needed in various phases of their company’s growth, and to let go of any habits or behaviors that may have served them but are no longer helpful.
Again, everyone is different and will have their own journey to being more in touch with themself. Some gravitate towards forgiveness, moving past certain unwanted patterns by compassionately justifying why or how they came to develop them in the first place. Others practice non-judgement, embracing a view that nothing is good or bad, it all just is.
For me, I like the approach of befriending your demons. We clearly are not meant to be angels, so our imperfections and our individual mix of dark and light is what makes us interesting. Everyone has their own individual struggle, and this is what makes life beautiful.
The interplay of light and dark in a painting adds depth. Harmony in music is a function of contrasting different notes. A delicious dish blends sweet with spicy or richness with acidity. We create beauty in art by mixing and matching distinct or even opposite energies, and so too we can come to appreciate how all the different elements within ourselves are what make us, us.
Creating space within you elicits a commensurate response from others
Before an important sales meeting, pitch, or interview, there is likely a part of you that has a strong emotional attachment to the outcome. Maybe you feel desperate for things to work out a certain way; it might be the end of the quarter and you need to meet your quota, or your company may run out of money if you don’t raise soon. High stakes can mean high anxiety.
At the same time, there is also a part of you that is genuinely interested in the other person and what you might learn from this interaction. If you are in sales, you are likely curious to hear about this person’s situation or their challenges and to explore how you could solve them.
The work of knowing yourself means remembering that both of these elements are true at the same time. This can be really difficult.
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald
Whatever you have to do to get yourself there, whether it is taking some deep breaths or going for a walk or talking with a trusted advisor, accept the truth of both realities. Over time, it becomes easier and more natural to anchor into the curiosity and openness, even while the anxiety and chaos rumble underneath.
When we ground ourselves in the identity that transcends our own contradictions, we’re tapping into our authentic self. Automatically, our walls start to come down and we become more comfortable being humble and transparent. Our focus shifts from figuring out how to engineer an interaction and manipulate a buyer towards our desired outcome to meeting another human being and discovering whether there is a mutually beneficial opportunity for collaboration.
By approaching conversations in this headspace, it invites others to meet us there. Whether consciously or unconsciously, people sense the presence of a genuine person. Our desire to connect and be truthful can call forth a reciprocal response to relax and be open. They sense no need to protect themselves from us, and that they are in a space where they can share truth.
But not always. The other person may be uncomfortable or put off by you - they may expect you to act like a stuffy, buttoned-up suit. That’s okay. Maybe they’re just a jerk to you despite you oozing with sincerity and realness. That’s fine too. If you have done the work of coming to know and accept yourself, you can be secure in who you are and allow them their opinion.
You also might realize that just like you are a bundle of contradictions, perhaps the jerk you’re seeing now isn’t the full picture. Perhaps they are struggling with a mean boss or a busy family life. Your creating space for truth in you can allow you to give them the benefit of the doubt as well. It might even empower you to, in the spirit of truthfulness, directly call out any weirdness and say something like, “It seems to me like there’s something else going on here besides our talking about ______, let me know if we should reschedule for another time or maybe just acknowledge now that we likely won’t be a fit for each other.”
Sometimes the truth isn’t what you want to hear
The hardest part by far of creating space for truth is in accepting that the truth may not be what you want to hear. So often in sales, buyers or decision makers don’t share the truth because they are worried about the awkwardness of hurting your feelings. When we not only ask questions that elicit truthful responses but also show people that we can handle whatever they say, they may just tell us that the answer is simply “no.”
It is always better to know sooner that the answer is a no then to leave a meeting guessing. Instead of wasting time and emotional energy wondering what other people might be thinking, just ask them directly. If the truth is a no, it might be a “no for now” and not a “no, forever.” Either way, that clarity frees you to focus where you’re more likely to affect beneficial outcomes.
Practical ways to create more space for truth in your work
In any conversation with another person, creating space for the truth begins with empathy. By attuning to the other person and realizing that they have their own beliefs, worries, hopes, and fears, we can better restrain ourselves from being dominated by our own. From this recognition and validation of another’s perspective, we start to make space for something new to grow between us. In that place of non-judgement and acceptance, where both parties can just be without needing to yield or resist, trust can be born and lay the groundwork for real connectivity.
Develop a pre-meeting ritual to find more space internally
All of the advice below for what to say only works when it is delivered from a place of openness. Find a way to get yourself into this headspace before any significant interaction. It could be a breathing exercise, a mantra, or an inspirational quote that you read. Maybe doing five squats or ten pushups does it for you, or taking a minute to give your dog some bellyrubs. Some of my clients like to call me and do a prep session before a big meeting, talking through their thoughts and feelings. Whatever works for you to find more space - develop a ritual and stick with it.
Create more space for the truth in outreach or prospecting messages
In written communication, it is much more difficult to demonstrate that you are a grounded, genuine partner who values meaningful interactions. For some reason, many people try to fill this gap with emotional language that can come off as needy or desperate. Stop telling people that you’d “love” to get to know them. Drop the smiley faces. Be direct, with high intent.
People often make a lot of assumptions in their email outreach that can be off-putting. You don’t know if you have the perfect solution to their problem, or if you’re the ideal candidate for that job. Try using language that more accurately reflects that you’re trying to start a dialogue, like “might,” “could be,” or, “I’m not sure whether…”
In the spirit of creating space for truth, make it very clear what you’re asking for and also make it easy for the person to say no. If your ask is for a 30-minute meeting, try signing off with something like, “Totally fine if this doesn’t sound right for you” or “No worries at all if this isn’t a good fit.” Make it okay to say no - instead of “let me know if other dates or times work better for you” try “Let me know either way if it might make sense to connect.”
Creating more space for truth in qualification and discovery calls
Most people really struggle with discovery calls. This is one of my favorite areas to work on with clients, and I should probably write something entirely devoted to this topic. For now, here are a few tips relevant to our topic at hand.
At the start of a meeting, let the other person know right away what the goal of that conversation is and what decisions it will inform. If you have a multi-step sales or interview process, give the other person a sense of what that looks like and how this meeting fits into the overall plan. I always find it helpful to acknowledge upfront that the answer might be “no” to moving forward, saying something like, “at the end of our 30 minutes today we’ll know if it makes sense to keep talking or not.”
If there are certain questions you anticipate that you’ll get that you aren’t prepared to answer, head that off at the outset. If people want price quotes right away, at the beginning of the meeting you can say something like, “I imagine that you’ll be wondering about pricing, and we’ll be able to give you a better sense of that [whenever you do in your process].”
Then ask some open-ended questions and, most importantly, listen to what they’re telling you. Follow-up to specific points, engage them about their needs instead of rushing to get to you talking about your solution. Asking the right questions is a much more impressive display of your intelligence than how eloquently you deliver your pitch.
At the end of a meeting, then dig in with some direct questions. For starters, “what did you like / not like about what I shared with you today?” Tom’s approach emphasizes following up with “who else cares?” as a way to get to understanding who the decision maker is in a way that invites more information. Instead of focusing just on who the decision maker is, try to learn about what they care about and what matters most to them so that you’re better prepared when you do speak with them.
Creating more space for truth in pipeline review meetings
Getting an accurate forecast based on pipeline opportunities is a pain point I hear about all of the time from prospective clients. Usually, the solution for this has more to do with people management than it does with building better forecasting models or doing more data analysis.
If you’re a sales leader, does your team feel comfortable sharing the truth of their pipeline with you? You may be nervous because you feel like you need to share better news with your boss or with the board. If you let that nervousness be felt by your team, you are inadvertently putting pressure on them to not be truthful with you. Focus on getting the facts, letting them sense that you are just interested in the honest truth, and then deal with the implications on your own, later.
As a leader, the best way to get the truth here is to more effectively manage your deal review meetings. Tom’s simple framework is, for each deal, asking (i) what do we know? (ii) what do we not know yet? and (iii) what next? Instead of inviting salespeople to just start talking about the status of a deal, keep the conversation grounded in tactics.
If you have a team of several salespeople and each has a few deals to talk about, that might mean only giving 2-3 minutes per person per deal. It’s your responsibility to manage that time, even cutting people off if they start talking about how “great the meeting went.” Let them all know upfront how these meetings will go and what the focus is, and model emotional detachment to any particular deal. You can dive into specifics or hear that incredible story about how the salesperson got the meeting over lunch or in a 1:1.
Creating space for truth in contract negotiations
Approaching contract negotiations with a brinkmanship, game-theory mindset necessarily precludes you from getting the truth. When you instead negotiate in good faith, coming from a place of openness and transparency in the interest of forming a partnership, your counterpart is more likely to do the same. Be clear on where the big sticking points are for your company, and also be prepared to explain why those areas are inflexible for you. [link]
If you are working with a partner who is championing this deal, they will respond better to compelling reasons than to your having “a policy.” Like any other relationship, be flexible where you can and clearly articulate where and why you can’t, instead of focusing on getting everything you want.
Creating space for truth in marketing for early-stage companies
Before you can start marketing on proof (i.e. client testimonials, case studies, and real ROI analyses), you have to market on promises. That’s okay, so long as you acknowledge that it is what you are doing. Instead of selling vaporware, be transparent about the state of various features. Lean in to your mission, your vision, and tell the story of what you’re building and why.
Acknowledge where and how a prospective buyer might be taking a risk in trying you, and also be clear where you are confident that they are not taking a risk. If you lead with honesty and transparency and the need for what you’re providing is pressing, you’ll streamline your sales process more with truth than if you go full-bore on hyperbolic claims.
Creating more space for truth in getting feedback from clients
It is really difficult for people to give critical feedback to people they like (this is also true for managers and their reports). If your client success team that is working hard to deliver for a given client is also responsible for collecting feedback from them, the feedback will usually be overly positive.
When possible, try to have that person’s manager or even a more senior person at the company run feedback sessions to really probe and dig in without worrying about anyone’s feelings getting hurt. If that’s not possible, it is critical to establish that you are looking for the truth and want to hear it. It can be helpful to prime people that they may not be the only one to have constructive comments, saying things like “I’ve heard from others that they had issues with this particular feature.”
Creating more space for truth in hiring and interviewing
When you are looking to sell a candidate on accepting a job, telling them all of the reasons why they should work with you may not be the best approach. It can be incredibly refreshing for a candidate to see some vulnerability from you, particularly if you will be their manager. Let them know some of what keeps you up at night, and any areas about which you’re not sure how to proceed. Invite them to join the real you at a real company with real challenges instead of trying to put the best spin on things like everyone else.
As a candidate looking to sell someone else on why they should hire you, try to understand what it is that they need. Sometimes people get so rehearsed in their stories and the points they want to make that they forget to make sure they’re sharing the right information. Try asking questions like, “are there any specific skills or experiences you are looking for in this role that I did not directly address?” or “do you have any concerns about me as a candidate that I can speak to before we wrap up the interview process?”
The Tiferet Approach
In addition to beauty and harmony, the word tiferet in Hebrew also connotes truth. Pursuit of truth requires that we seek it everywhere, whether in books, interactions with others, or in learning from the world around us. By constantly assembling the smaller fragments of our perception into a higher and higher fidelity image of reality, we can come incrementally closer to appreciating the power of truth to resolve differences and bring about unity.
My approach to every interaction with a prospective client is through this lens of discovery. The goal is not to sell them on my own coaching and consulting services, it is to identify whether I can uniquely provide value for their specific needs. My process for evaluating fit with a client is often longer and more involved than they are used to, where I spend time digging into their business and getting to know them before even discussing the specifics of a growth partnership.
For prospective clients, this gives them a chance to see how I would work with them. What I’m looking for in these interactions is their relationship to the truth - both whether they know themselves and their teams and how they think about their product or service in the marketplace. If they’re open and in-touch with themselves and receptive to hearing different perspectives, then my approach may be able to help them. If not, I can refer them to someone who may be a better fit with their particular style or needs.